Computer-generated na Rambo.

Hindi mo na talaga alam ang trip ng mga tao ngayon eh. Balik ka bandang 1996, 1997, aasahan mo bang magsusuot ang mga tao ng tsinelas sa SM?

TSINELAS SA SM?

Dati hindi pwede yun. Ang tsinelas, para yan sa kalsada, sa bahay, sa palengke, sa baha, sa barberyahan, sa isawan, sa kubeta – pero hindi yan pwede sa mall. Pag nagtsinelas ka sa mall dati, mukha kang poor.

Ngayon, pwede na ang tsinelas sa mall. Bakit? Dahil ang tsinelas ngayon, P 700 at minsan umaabot pa ng lakpas P 2,500 na. Alam ko. Tangina. Ang tawag dyan sa tsinelas na yan, Havainas o Havs. Kayraming may suot nyan ngayon sa SM, Trinoma, MOA, Megamall, at sa iba pang malls at lugar.

Kung anong nakain ng mga Pilipino at bumibili na sila ngayon ng ganito kamahal na tsinelas ay isang maitim na sikretong maaaring ‘di natin kailanman malalaman. Pero isa lang ang masasabi ko: WALANG KWENTA ANG LAHAT NG YAN NUNG PANAHON NG RAMBO.

Rambo: Ang Tunay na Tsinelas ng Pinoy

Kung Pilipino ka at nasilayan mo ang ’90s, imposibleng ‘di mo alam kung ano ang RAMBO. Ang Rambo ay yung tsinelas na parang kasingkapal ng tatlong ordinaryong tsinelas, itim at pula ang kadalasang kulay, at minsan naman ay rainbow-colored din ang gilid.

Bakit mas mahusay ang Rambo kesa sa Havainas? Simple. Dahil ang Rambo ay ginawa para sa mga Pinoy at maaari itong gamitin sa kahit anong gawaing Pinoy.

Si John Rambo nang sabihan syang kailangan nyang magsuot ng Havainas

Ang Rambo:
– ay pwedeng tumagal ng mahigit sa dalawang taon depende sa kung ga’no ka kadalas maglakad. Pero kahit ikaw yung taong laging walang pamasahe, tatagal pa rin ito ng mahabang panahon dahil sa ekstraordinaryong kapal.
– ay mura, ‘di lalampas ang halaga sa P 50. Sa halagang P 700 ng Havainas, makakabili ka na ng 14 NA PARES NG RAMBO. Kung ang isang pares ng Rambo ay kayang tumagal ng isang taon, meron ka nang susuutin ng 14 taon ng buhay mo.
– ay mabisa laban sa baha dahil sa taas nito. Para ka na ring naka-bakya pero mas flexible.
– ay astig isuot kahit saan dahil ito ay mas angat sa mga normal na Beachwalk na madaling mabutas pag lagi kang nagbabasketbol. Sa ibang salita, mas may class ito. Bagay ito sa maong at sando, para mukha kang astig na kanto boy.
– ay siguradong magpapanalo sa’yo sa tumbang preso. Sa sobrang laki nito, mas malaki ang tsansa mong tamaan ang lata. Pag ‘di tinamaan ang lata, asintahin mo lang ang alulod ng taya. ‘Pag lumuhod sya sa sobrang sakit, iyong iyo na ang ibang tsinelas.
– ay tetano-proof. Walang panganib na matetano ka dahil sa nakausling pako ‘pag madilim ang daan dahil sa kapal nito. Ibig sabihin, maaaring mas humaba ang buhay mo dahil sa Rambo.
– ay kapangalan ng karakter ni Sylvester Stallone. Astig.
– ay pwedeng pamatay ng ipis, putakte, antik, bubuyog, at iba pang insekto. Hindi ka manghihinayang na dumihan kasi ang Rambo talaga macho – laging nadudumihan.

Ilan lamang ito sa sangkaterbang dahilan kung bakit ang Rambo pa rin ang pinakamalupet na tsinelas sa buong kasaysayan ng Pilipinas. Hindi ko alam kung may Rambo pa rin ngayon, pero isa lang ang alam ko: mas astig ang mga Pinoy no’n nung uso pa ang Rambo

Hindi ganyan kalaki ang Rambo pero astig pa rin sa tsiks.

Surely, all those missiles, robot parts, and babes deserve at least 3 out of 5 stars?

Had I not read reviews of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen before I watched the film, I would have been shocked to see that it’s now only hitting 22% on the Tomato Meter. Most critics have panned the film, saying that it’s too loud, too long, and underplotted.

Well, here’s the gist of my take on Transformers 2. (1) Transformers 1 was clearly better, but (2) If you want a thrilling break from your bleak and dry life, this movie is definitely worth watching. That is why I’m giving it 3 out of 5 stars.

The Plot You May Have a Hard Time Understanding While Watching the Film

Of course this movie has a plot. Critics are being exaggerated when they tell you it has no plot at all. One critic also said that its plot was unintelligible. Now, that is closer to the truth.

See, Transformers 2 is so action-packed and so peppered with special effects and so explosive that it’s kind of hard to relax your mind in the brief moments of peace to digest the plot underneath it all.

***SPOILER ALERT***

Here’s the gist. Two years after the events of the first film, the Autobots and the American and British militaries have formed a secret organization named NEST to fight hiding Decepticons on Earth. Yes, apparently, there are other Decepticons who have landed on Earth since the first film. Other Autobots have also found their way to the planet mostly through the call that Optimus Prime, the leader of the Autobots, sent out in space.

Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), who just entered college, experiences trance moments when he sees unknown ancient symbols. He later discovers that these symbols lead to a place where a source of energy for the robots (just like the destroyed AllSpark) can be found here on Earth. Sam learns that the Transformers have already been on Earth thousands of years ago for that source of energon (the special type of power used by the robots). However, to gather that energy, the robots would have to destroy the Earth’s Sun, killing humans, which the original Transformers didn’t want. One Decepticon though, named The Fallen, despised humans and sought to gather the power by blasting the sun away. Fortunately, The Fallen is defeated by Optimus Prime’s ancestors who hid the key to the sun-destroying weapon, as well as the sun-destroying weapon itself somewhere in Egypt.

Back to the present time, Megatron, the leader of the Decepticons (but who is later revealed to be working for The Fallen), is revived and he kills Optimus. Sam, together with his human allies and Autobot friends, races to find the key which supposedly has the ability to revive Optimus. The Decepticons do everything they can to stop Sam and activate the sun-destroying weapon. All the while explosion after explosion after explosion explode in the film.

Why You May Not Like to Watch This Film

If you’re a person who relishes complex, logical, and clearly laid out plots, then this movie isn’t for you. It’s not as if the film is that hard to understand. In fact, I did understand 90% of the plot while watching the film. The problem has to do with the plot being too deeply buried under all the special effects and noise director Michael Bay heaped into the film. You may find yourself desperately trying to understand hurried plot explanations of some characters in order to make sense of the story. However, unless you’re an idiot, Transformers 2 is pretty understandable.

Transformers 1 had a good balance between scenes involving humans and scenes involving robots, so your eyes get refreshed after watching a dizzying fight scene by detailed CGIs. The second film though, is different. Bay, probably taking cue from fans, put vastly more robots in the film, so there are more transformations, more clanking metals, and more intricate details that assault your eyes. A lot of scenes are so filled with CGI robot parts that you may find it hard to decipher who’s hitting whom and what the hell is happening. But this ultimately depends on the viewer. I, for one, could see 95% of the time what the CGI characters were doing to each other, but maybe because I’m a geek. However, my reluctant girlfriend who I convinced to watch the film with me, had a much harder time understanding the furious special effects on the screen. So this “negative” aspect is up to you. In fact, I can imagine some people actually loving this hardcore special effects extravaganza.

Finally, critics have also trashed the film for having too many stereotypes, too many explosions, and especially for being too long (147 minutes). What can I say? This is a Michael Bay film. This director is notorious for his overblown action sequences but he keeps on making them anyway. In fact, Hollywood always has a place for Bay’s talent for exploding bombs and guns despite the critics. In Transformers 2, Bay is unapologetic for his noisy style of filmmaking. You may have the sense that 85% of this film is about explosions (small, big, and gargantuan explosions). At 147 minutes, even the most firepower-hungry audiences should feel greatly challenged by Bay’s latest film.

Another aspect of the film that has been criticized is the great volume of stereotypes. There are robots here who act too much like caricatures of black men, babes who just scream “Sex!”, and even anti-Arab sentiments. If you’re sensitive about such aspects, then don’t go see this movie because you may feel you’re being treated as dumb by the filmmakers.

Why I STILL Recommend this Movie

My cousin basically summed up my own rationale for watching Transformers 2. She said, “What do you expect?! I mean, you don’t watch a movie like that for the intellectual content. Show me the special effects and explosions. Bring it on!!!”

Life is too bleak these days. You have the global recession that makes you feel so worried about the present, the swine flu which makes you so weary of contact with strangers, and other problems of everyday life that just drain your spirit away. If you want a nice jolt to wake you up from the doldrums, then there’s no better way to do that than to watch this movie.

Transformers 2 will literally rock your senses, but especially your eyeballs and your eardrums. It actually feels more like a heavy metal concert than a regular action film. It’s sex, drugs (yeah, there are drugs), and rock and roll with the volume turned up high way up into the sky. It’s a popcorn movie that will keep you munching and munching ’til your eyes, ears, and mouth are all sore.

I myself was really satisfied with the film. In my opinion, it didn’t suck, although the first one was more “magical.” But the second one is still a treat and a great experience. It’s just like a fast food meal that gave you triple the calories and the flavor you expected. But then again, it looks so good that it’s really a shame to let it slip by untasted.

Transformers 3, of course, will be released on 2011 or 2012. To tell you the truth, I can’t wait for it. They’re thinking of putting the fan-favorite Dinobots in there this time. Dinosaurs, robots, babes, and explosions? Man, to hell with critics, but I’d savor that.

I’m no Transformers geek, but I can tell that the mainstream will definitely fall for the corniness that is Transformers 2 because you know for sure that geeks are way smarter than the average joe for the former to be capable of hating something they hate to hate. I slept through most of the film because the consistency of the explosions made my ears immune to the noise that the overstyled movie started to lull me to sleep. I slept through it for the following reasons:

1. The twins who are trying to be funny are the stars for a few minutes, and then the next moment, you don’t see them anymore. (Or maybe because I slept through it?) But really, they look like they were in the movie just to increase sales for Transformers collectibles.
2. Marijuana doesn’t make you a lunatic so no, you don’t run around the school screaming like shit and selling your son to college girls. It’s just cannabis sativa. It’s not even meth!
3. Michael Bay directed the film not because he is brilliant, not because he actually cares for the script, not because he is funny, but just because he is into explosives. If you direct Transformers, then let this movie be about Transformers!
4. Too much Linkin Park. I’ve had enough in 2000, please!
5. It’s been established that shooting Decepticons with guns is like getting an ant to bite your right foot. And then you see humans continuously firing bullets to them. Endlessly firing bullets. Endlessly. Endlesslyyyy! I don’t understand what it so unclear about Decepticons not getting affected by bullets. So humans, please don’t shoot. It’s useless. What’s so difficult to understand? Why are you shooting again? Please stop it my ears are blee—
6. Megan Fox is suddenly a groupie! What happened to the Mikaela in Transformers (1) who used to be in control? If not for her boobs, I don’t know why her character is still necessary in the movie.
7. I hope Steven Spielberg just sticks to films like Schindler’s List or Saving Private Ryan. He knows the drill. Producing this film is acceptable, but allowing Michael Bay to direct the movie and release it as it is, is a crime.
8. A robot suddenly gets horny, but I don’t understand how robots can actually get horny over a human being. Well, it’s Michael Bay — the director who thinks it’s hilarious to see John Turturro wearing a thong.
9. Megan Fox is suddenly a damsel in distress whose hair stays perfect and whose white pants remain immaculately white even in the middle of the desert, explosions and dust and all.
10. Megan Fox disappointed the straight males in the audience for being quite suggestive in some few scenes and then not showing anything but her cleavage, which is the same reason why these straight males suddenly forgot they were actually watching a PG-13 film.

I only have a few pointers for the movie because I didn’t see it all. I slept through most of the parts. I don’t regret sleeping in the movie house, because that would mean more bashing on this blog, and I wouldn’t have enough time to write stuff for my client (which is the more important thing to do right now).

The story basically centers around the trio of Lucas (Felix Roco), Joaquin (Joseph Roble) and Jane (Hiyasmin Neri). Lucas, who’s poor, is madly in love with Jane, who’s rich. Joaquin is Lucas’ best friend. The two come to the conclusion that passing the UPCAT and enrolling in UP would level the playing field for Lucas, making him a more suitable partner for Jane. Lucas’ dad disapproves of his UP ambition because he has a “dark” secret which is later revealed in the story.

Image obviously from PEP, and that's Felix Roco!

Three good things about UPCAT The Movie: It offers an impossibly beautiful visual treat in the form of Lucas (Felix Roco), and a character that shouts “At least this movie is funny! At least one character can act!” through Joaquin (Joseph Roble). Without these two, I would’ve decided to still watch the movie, because the trailer looked cool. The trailer promised too much. Little did I know that it also promised bad acting and stereotyping.

WHY ACTING WAS BAD:

1. Lucas had only two emotions: anger and love. He can cry in front of the camera; although he does this with a little awkwardness at first (see: cemetery scene with his father), he redeems himself as he starts to feel more comfortable crying in front of the camera after a few tears shed. He is good with acting angry because he can throw angry lines very effectively. The only thing that bothered me was a scene where he confronted Jane’s father – he looked more like an adult high on drugs than a high school boy who just learned to drink yesterday.

The film also suggests that Lucas is in love. Sometimes, though, he would look more like a dog with an annoying woebegone face than a high school boy in love with Jane. Or he would look like a cool guy trying to be jologs for the sake of the script just to make sure he looks like he’s really in love with Jane. I understand that, because Jane’s character was not very lovable either, which brings me to my second point under bad acting.

2. Alright, Roxanne Barcelo was there as a bitchy cousin with a forgettable role but hey, why did they not get Roxanne Barcelo to play Jane’s character instead of Yas Neri? First, Roxanne Barcelo is more visible in show business so it follows that she must be more capable of acting than this new face named Yas Neri. Second, Roxanne Barcelo’s face is angelic so viewers cannot hate her even when she tries to be undesirable. Third, Yas Neri’s face is more appropriate for a kontrabida role. I swear! Take a look:

Roxanne Barcelo

Yas Neri (Jane)

Jane’s acting was one hundred percent awkward. Her eyes constantly look at very awkward directions like they’re trying to stay away from the camera. I am constantly reminded that there is indeed a camera, and that Yas Neri is just acting (for lack of a better term). Her delivery of lines sounds like they’re fresh from the script. She cannot swiftly shift from one emotion to another. She makes me crazy.

There was a scene where Lucas gives her her favorite Kropek. When she gets it, she eats Kropek like foreigners eat balut. She eats just one piece of Kropek for like ten decades in a single scene and the size of that holy piece of Kropek remains the same. When Moonwalkerwiz saw this scene, he suddenly reacted violently by saying, “Hindi naman siya mukhang mahilig sa Kropek!” (‘Doesn’t look like she actually likes Kropek!”)

I am thankful I am not blind – my eyes constantly remind me that Jane’s character actually exists in the film.

WHY THE FILM IS ANNOYING:

UPCAT The Movie can be described in one word: stereotypical. It contained too many stereotypes I was almost confused whether I was watching an Indie film in Robinsons Galleria, or just some film project of a certain group in a random production class. If you want to know the don’ts of a film, I think UPCAT The Movie can be a useful manual.

Stereotypes:

1. Roxanne Barcelo comes into the scene and starts giving tips to Jane about the life in UP. Guys from the College of Engineering are cute and smart, while those who are from the College of Law are hot. Guys from the College of Human Kinetics are dumb, while those who are from the School of Economics are gay. Roxanne Barcelo’s character here is a bitchy cousin from UP, but I always forget. Why? If she claims that she is from UP, then she should know that stereotyping is a crime. And hello! Since when did these colleges breed cute and hot creatures? Are colleges not built because people get inside to read books and learn some lessons? And oh boy, she sounds like she’s from (insert your most hated conyo university here:________).
2. Parents who do not want to let their kids take the UPCAT just because “magulo sa UP” is so 20 years ago. Well, has it ever been peaceful outside UP?
3. Avelino (Bembol Roco) doesn’t want his son Lucas to take the UPCAT because his bestfriend died from hazing during his time. Associating UP with deaths from hazing is so unfair, because you do not need to be in UP to die from hazing in the same way that you also do not need to join a fraternity to die. This is an oversimplification of the issue. Not all UP students buy the idea of joining fraternities so please, this film should not have portrayed hazing like it was a rite of passage for all iskolars ng bayan. You have individual choices. You cannot blame the state university for this.
4. Avelino doesn’t want his son Lucas to take the UPCAT because his bestfriend died from hazing, and he obviously cannot get over it. Death is sad, and you cry over it, sure, but Avelino did not need to let this loss control the way he raises his only son. Kinabog pa ang namatayan ng sariling anak, I swear.
5. Joaquin dies. Why? Because after graduating from UP, he became an NPA. Why? We don’t know. The film didn’t tell. Basically because it wanted to sell.

Because I need a cigarette break now, I can say that after all my complaints about the movie, I was glad to have watched this yesterday. To me, films that are soooo wrong are better than films that are soooo boring. At least, UPCAT The Movie was annoying enough to keep me awake inside the movie house.

If you’re a UP student, you should agree with me that “Meet the Spartans” is way more sensible than “UPCAT.” Really, at least “Meet the Spartans” was proud and honest that it was nonsense. “UPCAT” though was so dysfunctional that it tries to make a “relevant” point but ends up being nonsensical anyway.

Spoiler Alert:

Two points here: (1) The story is unrealistic, and (2) the script is intellectually unsatisfying.

Let’s Talk to Oble! Wee!

“UPCAT” suffers from the same disease many Filipino films suffer from: romanticism. Instead of portraying reality as it is, many of these films sugarcoat it to tickle their audiences, treating them and making them dumb in the process. I don’t know why it’s hard to simply observe what’s going on in the real world and put the damn thing on the screen.

You and I know what it’s like to be madly in love. We get it. We know that you think about the person a lot. But when a scene depicts a guy writing the name of the girl he loves on the course box of an UPCAT form, you know the filmmakers are already losing it. Come on! That doesn’t happen. Especially when the girl is just beside you and your best friend is just teasing you seconds ago. You will be too conscious of it all that writing the name of the girl on the UPCAT form is a scene that is basically freakin’ absurd. And then it gets worse. Lucas ruined the whole UPCAT form by repeatedly crossing out courses just because he can’t get the girl off his mind.

The filmmakers should have obviously treated the audiences, us, more intelligently. We get it. He’s in love – truly, madly, deeply. You shouldn’t have gone overboard and fed us that romantic nonsense.

But that is just the tip of the iceberg of this unrealistic film. It turns out that the dark secret of Lucas’ dad which induces him to prevent Lucas from taking the UPCAT is this: he, his wife and his best friend used to be real great friends in UP Diliman. Due to an unexplained, seriously important, missing plot point, his friend joins a fraternity and dies because of hazing. Lucas’ dad can’t bear the grief and gets out of UP, hates the school from then on. He used to love it so much he even reviewed people to pass the UPCAT.

Now if you’re simple minded, that sort of insipid motive for a character is enough to make you believe in what you watch. But not me. The motive of Lucas’ dad to get out of UP and hate the school is ridiculous to me. If you love UP so much, you know why UP is so lovable. It is the bastion of knowledge and freedom. Yes, hazing is an issue and your best friend may have been killed because of it, but you don’t go hating the entire UP system because of it. You don’t throw away your future and become a simple jeepney driver in a faraway province just because you hate what happened so much, especially if you’re planning a family. And the character even has a wife who also went to UP. What? Are the filmmakers telling me that Lucas’ dad was able to persuade his mom so convincingly to hate UP to her very bones that she agreed to go cast themselves away to the province and become poor as hell?

And for Christ’s sake, these guys are old. They were in UP when they were teens. How on earth did they sustain that kind of hatred for a school for such a long time? To the point where they were willing to do anything to stop their son from taking the UPCAT?

This comical aspect of the story is plain and simple romanticism. There’s nothing there but a desire to affect the audiences emotionally. Why the hell is it necessary to cry for these characters however, is simply not clear.

And then there’s that ending scene where Lucas talks to Oble. Alone. Yes, you heard that right. The guy walks up to Oble, beaming from cheek to cheek, and thanks him like a little girl for the inspiration, ambition, dreams, and all the cheese in the world. Wow. Show me someone who actually does that in UP and I’ll watch the movie three more times.

More weird stuff:

– Day one of UPCAT review, the only thing Lucas and Joaquin learned was how to shade circles. And they shaded circles on a blackboard, not on paper.

– Kuya Michael, a graduate of UP, intelligent enough to make Lucas and Joaquin pass the UPCAT, was somehow reduced to painting signs for people (like jeepney signs, or “no exit” signs). Later, he establishes a review center because of the inspiration of the two.

- As Joaquin was about to go home, he sees an activist (“tibak”) putting up protest posters. The activist, without saying anything introductory, in the most cheesy, cringe-worthy, awkward manner, suddenly turns around to face Joaquin after a few seconds of silence and says, “Ikaw, kelan ka kikilos?”

Didn’t Learn a Single New Thing from the Film

I can almost see what’s the whole point in producing this film. The filmmakers thought they could take an enormous bite of the whole “UP story” and tell the whole world about it. It doesn’t work. The end result of this overly ambitious film is a caricature of the University of the Philippines.

Instead of focusing on the struggles a student might realistically experience when trying to get into UP, it brings to the table the stuff of the gods to dazzle audiences: love, dark secrets, doomed friendships, death, hidden family connections. It’s basically another primetime teleserye about UP. “Oh my god, you two are related?” “Oh my god, you’re a genius pretending to be a jeepney driver?” “Oh my god, he did it for love!” “Oh my god, his death is certain but their friendship will last forever!”

Gimme a break. A whole week, please.

As a proud alumnus of UP, it is a crime for me to depict UP in such a naïve and childish way. UP is not just about hazing and becoming members of the NPA. Yes, those are realities in the UP system, but when you tackle those sensitive issues, you have a responsibility to explain their nuances. Why is a student attracted to fraternities? What are fraternities? How rampant is hazing? What does it mean to be leftist? How does a student transform from being a “promdi” to being a rebel in the mountains? People already know this stuff. But if you’re more responsible, you should know that the real goal here is to make them understand why. Why is UP like this? If you can’t explain that sufficiently, then make another film about something else because you are dishonoring the great university.

Something tells me the filmmakers used to study in UP. I’m not their prof, but I’m giving them their class cards anyway, with 5 encircled in bold.

Tignan niyo nga yang mga pinagse-search niyo sa Google at napapadpad kayo dito.

Ako nga hindi ako ganyan mag-research sa issue e. NUDE HAYDEN KHO? Hmmm. Ang laki naman ng mga pakialam ninyo! Hehehehe. Peace y’all.

Baboosh!